New Jersey is so friggin’ great it makes me want to puke up all the WaWa I just emotionally ate in the name of Chris Christie’s front-butt.
The rest of the nation dumps on the Garden State constantly for being “the armpit of America,” which is insane considering the people of Florida have not yet used their homemade possum-tooth chainsaws to cut the state looseand float away as an independent swamp country (I’m so, so sorry. When a Jersey native is backed into a corner, slamming Florida is panic move numero uno).
Fortunately for us New Jerseyans, July 3 through July 9 is “Be Nice to New Jersey Week.” In honor of this brief reprieve from being labeled the trashiestsadness pit in the whole United States, I’m rounding up the greatest gifts New Jersey has given the world.
YOU HEAR THAT, THE WORLD? YOU’RE GD WELCOME.
1. Air Conditioning
This state has all four seasons, what a gift! One of these seasonsis summer, AKA three months each yearwhenNJ’s citizens get to experience what it’d be like if they climbed back up inside their mothers’ wombs.
It’s hot. It’s moist. It’s open season on plastic chairs because, let’s face it, we’ll all be remembered by the upsetting design our butt sweat leaves the moment we stand up.
Our — and every other state’s —escape from the heat and humidity of the summer months is glorious, freezing, put-your-sweet-face-right-in-front-of-it-and-let-it-transport-you air conditioning.
In 1915, Willis Carrier founded the Carrier Engineering company in Newark, and six years later patented the centrifugal chiller. Carrier’s invention was the first to cool large spaces and make fans look like the hot-air-spinning loads of crap they truly are.
Carrier’s 1928 Weathermaker, the first chiller created for use in private residences, allowedour plebe ancestorsto enjoy the sameconditioned comfort as lawmakers.
2. So Many Rock Stars Who Are Probably Someone’s Dad Now
Bruce Springsteen? Someone’s dad.
Bon Jovi? Someone’s dad.
The Misfits? Someone’s Doyle Wolfgang von DADenstein.
3. Carl Sagan
Is science important to you? Don’t answer that. It is. You ARE science, you idiot.
Legendary astrophysicist Carl Sagan was born in Brooklyn, but it was that solid Rahway High School education that gave him the brain tools he needed to mold the American space program, assemblethe first physical messages launched into space (SPACE, you guys, OUTER EFFING SPACE) and win a motha-lovin’ Pulitzer Prize for his book “The Dragons of Eden: Speculations of the Evolution of Human Intelligence.”
Sagan helped us understand our place in the world and, more importantly, New Jersey’s place in the world.
4. The GOAT Club
Whitney Houston: Greatest Voice Of All Time
Meryl Streep: Greatest Actress Of All Time
John Travolta: Greatest Scientology Cyborg Of All Time
5. “Game of Thrones,” Sort Of
Author George RR Martin is from Bayonne, mmkay? Perhaps, one frigid February morning, he gazed at the airport across the frozen Newark Bay and thought to himself,
Oh, Newark Liberty International Airport, take me away. I want to see the world.
Instead of hopping on a plane, because air travel is hella expensive and children generally don’t have income, Martinlet JRR Tolkien guide his mind on adventures that would one day inspire all the weird sex scenes we have to sit through silently on Sunday nights with our families.
For worse (Jon Snow is dead!) or better(Jon Snow is alive!), the world has Jersey to thank for “Game of Thrones.”
6. Bubble Wrap
Let’s kick it back to 1957 in Hawthorne, when Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes created a load of little air pockets between two sealed shower curtains and attempted to sell it as the world’s fugliest wallpaper.
The duo founded the Sealed Air Corporation three years later and, in 1961, realized they could use their product to gently ship valuables and dishes and mirrors and other fragile nonsense safely.
Also,your fiend ass is addicted to popping those little bubsand you know it.
7. So. Many. Rappers. So Many.
ARE YOU IMPRESSED YET, OR WHAT???
In “Don’t Fuck With New Jersey,” Young Zee of Newark collective The Outsidaz raps,
You heard me, don’t fuck with New Jersey Fuck around and cause a demolition derby
Truer words, man.
8. My Mom, Deb
Deb has spent the majority of her life in New Jersey and, since she is both a precious saint and a legitimately insane person, perfectly represents the charmingly unpredictable quality of our small state.
Here she is sliding into your DMs:
Here she is renaming herself and my father six decades into their lives:
Here she is petting an imaginary horse at NJ’s own Doris Duke Estate:
Here she is RSVPing for a wine cruise MONTHS in advance:
Deb is New Jersey. New Jersey is Deb.
9. Kelly Ripa’s Tiny Yet Powerful Body and Indomitable Spirit
It’s not always easy being Kelly Ripa, but that doesn’t stop her from waking up every damn day and fulfilling the nation’s every expectation as America’s sweetheart.
Ripa hails from Stratford, which is probably where she learned to deadlift the combined weight of a fullfleet of Viking longships. Jersey is intense like that.
When she isn’t charming the pants off everyone on daytime television, she’s raising money for The Ovarian Cancer Research Fund to keep women safe and healthy. She also works with Mothers Against Drunk Driving to keep Jersey (/all) kiddos alive.
10. Vitamin C’s “Graduation (Friends Forever)”
OK, alright, ALL of Vitamin C is from New Jersey, but as a human race we can easily agree“Graduation” is the most valuable gem of her career.
Here’s how one can only assume the Old Bridge native’s original draft of the song went:
As we go on [through New Jersey] We remember [New Jersey and] All the times we [New Jerseyans] Hadtogether [in New Jersey] And as our lives change [for better or for New Jersey] Come whatever [New Jersey wants for us] We will still be friends forever [with New Jersey]
Wow. It’s truly like graduating elementary school all over again.
You’re welcome, trophy wives.
12. All The Frank Sinatras
Frank Sinatra loved to open his big mouth on the regular to praise New York, but he was born in Hoboken and his son, Frank Jr., was born in Jersey City.
If you’ve ever eaten at a steakhouse, attended a Christmas party or gone shopping for gold chains with your cousin Vito, you’re already aware of the impact the Sinatra family continues to have on our senses.
Frank Sinatra might have been a batshit insane curmudgeon with alleged links to organized crime, but he was our batshit insane curmudgeon with alleged links to organized crime, and his music taught us to love with confidence.
13. Nick Jonas’ Glistening Abs
Everyone’s favorite red-carpet-boner-haveris from — you guessed it, ya big stinkin’ genius — NJ. The “Bacon” singer grew up in Wyckoff with his brothers, former memb…
Wait, sorry. My elbow just slipped in a puddle of my own drool. I slammed my head on the table and was knocked out for like two hours, but it was worth it and I’m good n…
14. Taylor Ham/Pork Roll Egg and Cheese
THIS. IS. OURS.
Be nice to New Jersey, just for this week. You owe it to us.