If you’re a virgin reading this article, I likely won’t have to do much convincing. Netflix is a service that has filled a major void in my life, and that void is not sex. I’m having plenty of that, but not enough Netflix, in my honest opinion.
I’m the type of guy who will push my naked girlfriend out of the way if she’s in front of the television when I’m in the middle of a “Breaking Bad” binge.
I’m the guy who will have Netflix on in the background while having sex and will stop mid-thrust to turn the volume up so I can hear dialogue.
This behavior may seem puzzling to some, but if you’ve seen “Breaking Bad,” then you may be able to sympathize with me. Each television show and movie is a new adventure, and the best part is they are all guaranteed to last longer than two minutes.
The only protection you need while watching Netflix is self-control. One episode can turn into eight in the blink of an eye, but I can’t even say that’s a bad thing.
Before this article gets too dry, allow me to lubricate your minds with the 10 reasons why Netflix is better than sex.
1. There Are No Limits With Netflix
Twenty episodes a day is the norm if you’re marathon-watching, like so many viewers do nowadays. If you’re having sex 20 times a day, please teach me your ways.
What’s great is the ability to view content in succession without stopping, but with sex, breaks are needed for obvious reasons. There is no downtime when you are on a Netflix binge.
Eye orgasms last for as long as you want them to, and once you think you have blown your content load, you are instantly ready to jump back into a new episode or movie.
There’s no waiting until the chamber is reloaded, and you can go on for as long as your little heart desires. I often tell my girlfriend I can’t compete with Netflix in terms of duration and longevity.
The show ends when it ends, and sometimes, it’s cut short because one viewer got a little too excited during the opening credits.
2. Netflix Does Not Cause Unhealthy Attachment Issues
With Netflix, love and attachment can be present without it being overbearing and unhealthy.
Netflix gives you space, if you need it. It’s always there for you, but it does not need to be with you at every waking moment. Once you have sex with someone, it changes a relationship, either for better or worse.
You want to spend every waking moment with that person and have crazy sex all day instead of spending time with family or friends.
Well, there needs to be a healthy balance, and with Netflix, this attachment is much more manageable.
Since Netflix is an inanimate object and has no feelings or emotions, it won’t get angry if you neglect it to go spend time with your parents who you haven’t seen in over a year.
3. Netflix Foreplay Is Optional, But Not Necessary
Watching movie and television show trailers is basically Netflix foreplay. You test the waters and see what your partner (Netflix content) is made of, but half of the time, it’s almost better to skip the trailers completely.
They can give you false expectations of a film or show, and often, the trailers do a poor job of portraying what the show or film is even about.
With sex, foreplay can be fun, but it can also be awkward and disastrous if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. It’s fun as hell and something you can’t avoid, so get good or get out!
4. Location, Location, Location
Can you have sex while waiting at your gate in an airport? No. Can you watch Netflix in the same exact scenario? You sure can. Sex is limiting in terms of where you can have it (although some would probably disagree with this statement).
You can have sex in public if you want, but I’d honestly feel more comfortable whipping out my laptop and firing up a new Netflix show or movie.
When you have an urge to watch Netflix with your partner in a public place, there are no laws or rules prohibiting you from doing so.
If you have the urge to bang in a public setting, the risks far outweigh the rewards.
5. Drunk Netflix Is Better Than Drunk Sex
If you’re drunk and come home after a late night, Netflix will always perform at the highest level. The same thing can’t be said for two drunk people struggling to have mediocre, sloppy sex.
Alcohol won’t affect your ability to watch an awesome Netflix show while completely hammered. It will also remember what you were watching during the previous drunken night so you can pick up where you left off.
Depending on how drunk you are, your partner may not even remember the poor, drunk attempt at sex in which you both foolishly participated.
Take my advice: Next time you come home drunk and want to have sex, just turn on Netflix and cut your losses.
6. Netflix Is Safe And Disease-Free
Netflix can’t give you STDs. You can be as irresponsible with your viewing habits as you want, and you will still never run the risk of catching any life-threatening diseases or illnesses.
You may have withdrawals if you go on a Netflix binge then don’t know what to do with your life after “House of Cards” ends, but the new season starts soon, so the wait is almost over!
In contrast, safe sex is possible, but only if you are a responsible adult. Millennials tend to get in that YOLO mindset and do things we later regret. The important thing to remember is that there are rarely any costly, long-term regrets when you watch a bad Netflix movie or show.
Herpes is for life, bad content isn’t.
7. Both Partners Always Leave Happy And Satisfied
Compared to having sex, there’s a better chance both partners will leave a Netflix viewing feeling content and satisfied.
Let’s face it: We can’t please our partners in the sack 100 percent of the time. One may finish earlier than the other, and both may regret waking up in bed with a random stranger, faintly remembering the awful sex the previous night.
Watching Netflix, you instantly have the comfort of knowing you will not run into any major disappointments or letdowns. F0r all the bad content on Netflix, there is so much great content waiting to be discovered.
8. There Are Never Any Unexpected Complications
Can’t get it up? No problem. If you have an Internet connection, Netflix will fire up rather easily. Girl on her period? The only “True Blood” I’m interested in is the HBO show available via Netflix DVD-by-mail.
Complications arise and prevent people from having sex, but complications with Netflix viewing are few and far between. There are times when your stream may be running slow, but if you want to avoid that, you can always use the DVD-by-mail service.
9. No Protection Needed
As I stated in the opening paragraph, self-control is the only protection you need when watching Netflix.
It’s a slippery slope when you find a show you absolutely love then realize you have seven seasons worth of content available on-demand. Your main form of Netflix contraception is having the ability to say no.
But, what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t say no? You end up watching an entire season in 10 hours that you would have finished in 10 weeks if it were airing live on cable, network TV, HBO, or otherwise? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
10. Performance Is Not A Deal-Breaker
If your partner does not perform to your standards, he or she either has to get better or you may be tempted to find better elsewhere. It is so easy to stay committed to Netflix when it never lacks in the performance department.
Netflix will always give me the greatest pleasures, and I expect that high level of pleasure each and every viewing.
If you find yourself liking sex more than Netflix after reading my 10 reasons, please binge-watch “Breaking Bad” and reevaluate your life. That is all.